L1043956 my father, at dinner

L1043956 my father, at dinner, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.


I try to figure out my father's mood at a meal. Sometimes my presence seems to encourage him to eat a lot; other times he'll say he's so hungry until the food arrives, and then he eats nothing.   Some of the nurses won't let me stay in the dining room at dinner time because I'm so critical.  The art room is called the "Country Kitchen" and they bring his tray there, to one of the tables.  The picture above is in the regular dining room.

Looking pretty good, considering

L9999566.jpg, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

My father looks better this month than last - in spite of his fractured femur, in spite of having fallen out of bed again Friday.  The color in this picture is unusual - I usually use the same camera and shoot in the same places, but here the softness and the blue of my father's eyes show up so nicely.

.November, 2008

He's showing that he can't smile without his teeth., originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

He's showing that he can't smile without his teeth.  Pictures like this make me particularly sad - here's a guy who didn't really smile much during his lifetime, and now, when he wants to smile, he feels too self conscious because he has no teeth.

He lost his dentures several years ago, and the head of the floor at the Hyatt said to wait, they'd turn up. They didn't.  And by the time he got new dentures, his gums and jaw had lost too much bone for them to stay in.  So he'd take them out and they'd get lost. And then the delay, again, before the new ones came.

The last pair of dentures sit in my desk drawer.  The upper, especially, kept falling out, and I was afraid he'd choke on it.  I asked the dentist at the nursing home if that was a possibility, and she said yes, sure.

I wonder why they let him leave the clinic with dentures that wouldn't stay in.

Neat - courtesy of Sylvia

IMG_4449, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sylvia keeps my father's closet neat and tidy.  I used to straighten out his clothing every once in a while, but Sylvia even keeps the hangers facing the same way.  I wonder if my father notices.  He was always neat, organized man, and he took pride in that.

photo: 1/07

my father, napping, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sometimes I'd go visit my father and he'd be lying on his bed, all snuggly under his blanket or robe, and he'd refuse to move. He seemed to be in a terrible funk. But then on the next visit, he'd be lively and fine.

Now, three years after that picture, I see him behaving the same way.

My father studying the art...

L1040925 my father studying the art..., originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

...and Sylvia walking ahead....she has a hard time walking at his pace when he's looking at things (which is most of the time).

It used to drive me crazy, walking so slowly alongside him. But now I'm used to it, and I let him paddle along with his feet, at his speed, and try to push the chair only when he needs help.

Sylvia, keeping her eye on my father

L1040924, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Yesterday I took pizza to the nursing home, for the three of us. When Riverdale Pizzeria has the pizza with marinara sauce, we're in luck.  The three of us really enjoyed it, even cold.

serious today

L1040048, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sometimes my father feels he has to mug for the camera, and sometimes he just relaxes while I shoot.

Then, like with this picture, I think he looks sad. Dr. Scarmeas always asks him how he feels - if he's happy. And he always says no, he's not happy - but neither is he depressed. He's feeling okay.

I don't see how my father could be happy. He's living in a place where he has virtually no freedom to do anything he might want to do. He has to eat when he's fed. He has to have a fresh diaper when the aide is ready. He can't roam around in the wheelchair because they lose track of him. (Sometimes, though, they let him roam.)

He's become used to people doing things for him because it takes too much effort to argue. They cut his meat (some of them) because they believe he can't feed himself. He can. Perfectly well. But he's lost the will, I think.

Even I find myself doing things for him that I know he'd rather do himself - like open the plastic film on his mandarin oranges or pears.

L1039573 Happy Chanukah

L1039573 Happy Chanukah, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sylvia & my father with his mouth full

L1039576 Sylvia & my father w/his mouth full, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

We got back late from the doctor, so Sylvia found his dinner and microwaved it, so it was hot. What a pleasure to have found Sylvia.

I met Sylvia from when she took care of someone on another floor that my father was on (recovering from a shoulder fracture), and I ran into her recently. I wouldn't have hired an aide, but with my father's weight loss and swallowing problems, it made a lot of sense.  And I'm trying to get an extra class each semester to cover the expense.

My father is doing better since Sylvia has come on the scene.  She's there from 4-8, so she can be with him during dinner and take him off the floor after dinner.

He loves to go to the main floor and look at the art.  He's always loved art.  The Hebrew Home has a fine art collection.

Feeling Pretty Good today

L1039543, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

My father's annual memory test was today. He scored the same as last year - amazing.

The weight loss was in large part due to his being fed the wrong food. Now, apparently, he eats a lot - and he likes most everything he's given.

He's bounced back, I guess because he's eating more.

Napping

L1039239, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sometimes on the way to visit my father I wonder if he'll be dead. He's 94. He seems to be relatively healthy, but he's old. And then when I walk into his room and see him stretched out like this, I watch for some movement.

He looks so peaceful and relaxed when he's napping. I hope this is the way he passes away.

my father, snacking

IMG_4375, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

This was taken in July, 2009, when it was fine for my father to eat ice cream. He was diagnosed with dysphagia recently, and ice cream is on the forbidden list. Apparently it turns to thin liquid as soon as it hits the throat, and he can aspirate it "silently" (no cough) into his lungs, where it will become bacteria that cause pneumonia. At least that's the story I got a few days ago from the nutritionist.

So my father can no longer eat his very favorite food. And it's been years since he could drink his very favorite beverage: beer. His history of alcoholism makes that prohibited.

I had signed a waiver of consent that said my father could have ice cream daily, at lunch and at dinner. At that time I'd only been told that it would become thin liquid in his throat and he might choke. Not knowing the whole story, I figured they were being weird about the waiver.

So I retracted the waiver the minute I understood it could be a death sentence.

Now I'm thinking about it. My father is 94. He has Alzheimer's. He likes to joke around - especially dirty-old-man jokes - and some of the aides and staff at the nursing home are religious and prudish. I've been "talked to" about his language and sexual innuendos (as though I could talk to him, a 94-year-old man with Alzheimer's, and convince him to stop). In all the institutions and floors he's been on, this is the first floor that makes sexual jokes taboo.

(One of the staff said dirty jokes and sexual innuendos are not at all typical of old men with Alzheimer's.  Huh????)

No beer, no ice cream, no dirty jokes.

I hired a private aide last month - someone who was a private aide on a floor he used to be on. She thinks his jokes are funny. And she's certainly not dangerous to his health, the way beer and ice cream are.

The quality of his life has improved since Sylvia's arrival, so I guess my father doesn't need ice cream.

If I sign the waiver and let him have ice cream, am I (as they clearly want me to understand at the nursing home) signing his death sentence?

Obviously my father is going to die, whether ice cream is part of his diet or not.  Am I free of guilt if he's not allowed to eat ice cream?

Am I supposed to feel guilty when my father dies if I've signed another waiver allowing him to eat ice cream again, knowing what I now know?   

Will I feel guilty?  That's a big question.

october 2007

-1043714, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Charlotte looks so cute in a dress....

Here she's finally deciding her great grandfather isn't going to do anything awful. Because of his alzheimer's, he makes strange growling noises, and he roars, especially at Charlotte because he thinks it's funny that she's scared.

Now, 2009, she roars back. It took her a while to get used to him - especially since she sees my father maybe once or twice a year.

My father has always had trouble feeling good about himself -with Charlotte he can exercise power because she's little. That's a mean streak he's had in him for a long time - he did it to me, to my sister, and to my daughter. And now he's got another generation to "scare."

I wonder how he'll be with Nathaniel, whom he hasn't seen yet. He may not have the same dynamic with a boy.

My mother had the upper hand with him, though. He was scared of her.

waiting for lunch

L1038932, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

My father nods off just like the woman to his right, who is at the moment nodding off. The residents tend to sleep a lot, wherever they are. 

When my father first lived in a nursing home, he didn't sleep a lot.  I 'd look around at the people barely able to keep their eyes open and feel depressed that they seemed to be so barely aware of where they were, who they were. 

As my father enters that stage I find it hard to relate to the man who's no longer always the man I'm so familiar with - the man who jokes and laughs and makes fun of himself. 

He still greets me with a big, "Hi Sue!!!" or "Susie!"  He's the only one who ever called me Susie.

he's posing

L1038144 he's posing, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

My father has a few poses for the camera - this is a version of one of them...I know he's feeling okay if he mugs for the camera - because sometimes he doesn't react at all.

I bought my father a few fleece tops since he likes to be cozy. I hope the aides remember to put them on him.

sylvia started yesterday

L1038077 my father & sylvia, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

Sylvia arrives just before dinner, so she sits with my father and makes sure he gets enough to eat. She said he ate a lot tonight and last night - fish both nights, which he loves. And she'll take him downstairs or into the nice lounge after dinner so he doesn't have to sit in the tv room. And she puts him to bed. I think it'll work out fine.

He enjoys an outing

L1037934 an outing, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

We went to Mt Sinai yesterday for a swallow study and a visit to his "outside" doctor - good field trip. My father usually really enjoys going out.

The swallow study showed that his lungs are clear . He does have swallow problems, but there are things that can be done - change in diet, chin tuck, small bites, etc. Simple enough.

So I've hired a companion who will sit with my father at dinner and take him to the main floor to explore - and he won't have to sit in a row with the other residents, in front of the blasting tv.

They eat dinner at 4:30, so the evening is long.

L1037727 at lunch

L1037727 at lunch, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

My father can't stay awake - at least when I visit...and I got in yesterday by accident, apparently - the floor is on quarantine for upper respiratory infections....but I hadn't been informed.

He's very hungry, losing a lot of weight - they're not feeding him properly. And that, I believe, is why he's so exhausted.

wet sock

IMG_7516, originally uploaded by Susan NYC.

This was taken a month ago. For some reason my father's left sock was soaking wet and cold. Nobody was able to explain it, and I'm just glad I discovered it.

I reported it to a few people, and the general consensus was that he spilled something on his foot. (!!??) How he could have a soaking wet sock and nothing wet anywhere else is beyond me. I assume he got wet and they changed everything but that sock.